The past has passed!!!

There are times when I’m sitting at home and certain people cross my mind. I wonder where they are, how they’ve been, what they’ve been up to. I can literally think of someone from second grade, and check to see if they’re on facebook. I can remember someone I’ve worked with, dated, met during travel, and people I’ve only met virtually. I’ve done exhaustive google searches, searched LinkedIn, MySpace, and even Indeed. Yes, I’ve gone through resumes to find these long lost friends. You really can’t stop me when I’m on a mission.

Having had such fond memories of these people drives me to search for them. I know how much I’ve changed and grown over the years, so it’s always my thinking that they’ve grown and changed as well. We’d get in touch, get reacquainted, and brief one another on our respective evolutions. The one thing I never seem to factor, is the same thing that sends me over the edge, and that’s “What if they haven’t changed?” This brings me to a place of unadulterated frustration because I could have just as easily left them in the past. Whatever good, bad, or indifferent memories I have of them, could have remained just memories.

Years ago (in 2006) my sister and I located our father, and that was a huge mistake. We both tried to give him the opportunity to get to known us as adults and that entire situation crashed and burned before it could even take flight. I’d say more about it, but at this point, ugh, who really cares? I’ve also relocated previous lovers, former best friends, old roommates, and crushes from my early twenties. No matter whom it was that I contacted, there was an overwhelming urge to kick myself after days and/or weeks because they were no better than I remember them being.

Another issue that I have to deal with is, them remembering me being as who I was back then, and not seeming to respect or even understand how much different that is from who I am now. While their shenanigans and exploits are mildly entertaining, they’re not enough to justify reconnecting. I keep wanting and expecting more from these people and end up annoyed that they don’t behave the way I’d expect. I want to be upset and disappointed in them but alas I can’t. All I keep thinking is, “I should have left you where you were!” It’s my own fault for digging up the past, and my own fault for clinging to hope that I’ve manufactured in my own mind. What I’m needing to get past now is my need to relive, and make new, what’s already been, and what no longer needs to be. I need to learn to leave the past in the past, and focus solely on the present and future. If you’ve lived it once, no need to live it again because in my experience, they will stop calling, they will stop trying, and they will do the same thing this time that caused the disconnect the first time. They want you to be the same, and you’ve worked too hard to be different.

Always,

-DJHurley

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Don’t shoot the Messenger!!!

Greetings fine people. My apologies for not posting last week, but as a new resident of Chicago, with a strong preference for warm and hot climates, I’ve been not feeling the best because our weather is changing. Lavarro and I relocated here from Dallas at the end of June so this is our first fall/winter in the windy city. If you haven’t been here, and aren’t aware, the cold is REAL. Right now we’re only in the 30’s, and although we’ve had no snow yet, we did have a freeze warning for yesterday October 22nd.
Another reason for the lack of a post last week was that I was grossed out by the internet. I guess now is a good time to let you all know that I’m super dramatic, and moody…especially when I’m not feeling the best.

Anyway, trying to decide what to write always seems to change from day to day but throughout all of the mental changes and anguish there is always a topic that begins to weigh heavier on my heart and mind than others.

Since you’ve heard from me last, the subject that has filled a lot of my waking thoughts is how to drive more traffic to this blog. How to appeal to the demographics that I feel I’m a voice for. In doing so, I’ve come to realize that the group of people I was hoping to reach initially, more than likely will not be receptive to what I have to say. It pisses me off because if this were a blog of nude male images, with posts of explicit sexual acts then I could quite easily have the most popular site within the gay community. Why is this community so strongly led by lust, temptation, and overt sexuality? I refuse with every ounce and fiber of my being to succumb to the pressure to author a successful site by filling pages with the type of trash that I don’t stand for. I hate to feel like I have to abandon a segment of the population that I feel *hold please* (just got an urge to see if I could beat box…epic fail). Yeah so I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on a segment of the population that needs more positive light shining upon it. Nor do I want to feel like I’m no longer a part of a vibrant community of passion, talent, and colorful people that has shaped me through the struggle and stigma that we’ve all had to deal with. No matter the socioeconomic status of gays, they’re still seen with a red light cast upon them symbolic of the back rooms and bath houses they’re assumed to be frequenting. It is so difficult trying to work against the negatives stereotypes, while maintaining a connection to the gay community and doing more for you.

I don’t know you guys, am I supposed to continue fighting for an underserved demographic or do I put the energy toward those that are giving positive energy back to me? Perhaps those that I felt I had to reach and who would embrace me isn’t who I’m writing for anyway. At this point my feeling is that I’ll assemble the words in sentences, quotes, and phrases and let my audience decide who they are, and if and when something I say applies to them. I’m merely a messenger, and my message is all-inclusive. #GunsDown #DontShoot

Remember that “Love never fails.”

Until next time…
-DJ Hurley