There are times when I’m sitting at home and certain people cross my mind. I wonder where they are, how they’ve been, what they’ve been up to. I can literally think of someone from second grade, and check to see if they’re on facebook. I can remember someone I’ve worked with, dated, met during travel, and people I’ve only met virtually. I’ve done exhaustive google searches, searched LinkedIn, MySpace, and even Indeed. Yes, I’ve gone through resumes to find these long lost friends. You really can’t stop me when I’m on a mission.
Having had such fond memories of these people drives me to search for them. I know how much I’ve changed and grown over the years, so it’s always my thinking that they’ve grown and changed as well. We’d get in touch, get reacquainted, and brief one another on our respective evolutions. The one thing I never seem to factor, is the same thing that sends me over the edge, and that’s “What if they haven’t changed?” This brings me to a place of unadulterated frustration because I could have just as easily left them in the past. Whatever good, bad, or indifferent memories I have of them, could have remained just memories.
Years ago (in 2006) my sister and I located our father, and that was a huge mistake. We both tried to give him the opportunity to get to known us as adults and that entire situation crashed and burned before it could even take flight. I’d say more about it, but at this point, ugh, who really cares? I’ve also relocated previous lovers, former best friends, old roommates, and crushes from my early twenties. No matter whom it was that I contacted, there was an overwhelming urge to kick myself after days and/or weeks because they were no better than I remember them being.
Another issue that I have to deal with is, them remembering me being as who I was back then, and not seeming to respect or even understand how much different that is from who I am now. While their shenanigans and exploits are mildly entertaining, they’re not enough to justify reconnecting. I keep wanting and expecting more from these people and end up annoyed that they don’t behave the way I’d expect. I want to be upset and disappointed in them but alas I can’t. All I keep thinking is, “I should have left you where you were!” It’s my own fault for digging up the past, and my own fault for clinging to hope that I’ve manufactured in my own mind. What I’m needing to get past now is my need to relive, and make new, what’s already been, and what no longer needs to be. I need to learn to leave the past in the past, and focus solely on the present and future. If you’ve lived it once, no need to live it again because in my experience, they will stop calling, they will stop trying, and they will do the same thing this time that caused the disconnect the first time. They want you to be the same, and you’ve worked too hard to be different.