The past has passed!!!

There are times when I’m sitting at home and certain people cross my mind. I wonder where they are, how they’ve been, what they’ve been up to. I can literally think of someone from second grade, and check to see if they’re on facebook. I can remember someone I’ve worked with, dated, met during travel, and people I’ve only met virtually. I’ve done exhaustive google searches, searched LinkedIn, MySpace, and even Indeed. Yes, I’ve gone through resumes to find these long lost friends. You really can’t stop me when I’m on a mission.

Having had such fond memories of these people drives me to search for them. I know how much I’ve changed and grown over the years, so it’s always my thinking that they’ve grown and changed as well. We’d get in touch, get reacquainted, and brief one another on our respective evolutions. The one thing I never seem to factor, is the same thing that sends me over the edge, and that’s “What if they haven’t changed?” This brings me to a place of unadulterated frustration because I could have just as easily left them in the past. Whatever good, bad, or indifferent memories I have of them, could have remained just memories.

Years ago (in 2006) my sister and I located our father, and that was a huge mistake. We both tried to give him the opportunity to get to known us as adults and that entire situation crashed and burned before it could even take flight. I’d say more about it, but at this point, ugh, who really cares? I’ve also relocated previous lovers, former best friends, old roommates, and crushes from my early twenties. No matter whom it was that I contacted, there was an overwhelming urge to kick myself after days and/or weeks because they were no better than I remember them being.

Another issue that I have to deal with is, them remembering me being as who I was back then, and not seeming to respect or even understand how much different that is from who I am now. While their shenanigans and exploits are mildly entertaining, they’re not enough to justify reconnecting. I keep wanting and expecting more from these people and end up annoyed that they don’t behave the way I’d expect. I want to be upset and disappointed in them but alas I can’t. All I keep thinking is, “I should have left you where you were!” It’s my own fault for digging up the past, and my own fault for clinging to hope that I’ve manufactured in my own mind. What I’m needing to get past now is my need to relive, and make new, what’s already been, and what no longer needs to be. I need to learn to leave the past in the past, and focus solely on the present and future. If you’ve lived it once, no need to live it again because in my experience, they will stop calling, they will stop trying, and they will do the same thing this time that caused the disconnect the first time. They want you to be the same, and you’ve worked too hard to be different.




Guess who’s back?!

I know it’s been nearly a year since my last post but those days and months have been met with lots of contention because I couldn’t (nor can I yet) figure out what I’d like this blog to become. Is this a place for me to express my opinions on the world as experienced by me? Should it be a forum to discuss and present fashion? Maybe food? Perhaps it should just be a collection of photographs. In my mind, it can and should be anything and everything all at once. Choosing has never been a strength of mine. I guess I’ve always felt choosing was restrictive and limiting. If I were to choose one thing over another, then it can only be that thing. I wonder if people would understand and/or support me if they weren’t able to categorize what it is that I’m doing.

There were many days where I felt like I’d return to posting but then I was wanting to make sure that what I posted set the correct tone for what was to follow. I sat down, and even lied around, thinking about how to begin the dialogue again. I’ve worried about all of these factors that I have no control over, yet they were controlling me. I worry a lot about the image I portray being honest enough. I worry a lot about not painting a picture of perfection because that couldn’t be farther from my actual truth. I also worry a lot about being able to say something that sparks something in the mind, heart, or spirit of the reader so that they have the courage to begin, continue, or begin again.

I still don’t know which form this blog will take, but I will commit to posting new content on a weekly basis to clear my head and allow you to know some of what I think and feel. I can only hope that it helps you, makes you laugh, or just distracts you from the world for a little bit. I appreciate those who are reading this now, and those of you who continued to visit the site for the eleven months that I’ve been inactive. I check my stats weekly and the amount of visitors I’ve received daily without any new content amazes me.  Thank you!