For some odd reason, I’ve gone through four potential posts in the last seven days. I was trying to force a very specific feeling from myself, and in order to do so, I needed to be extremely focused and direct my mental energy to that place. But during this process, I became even more undone. I’m all for rules and boundaries with regard to crime and punishment but when it comes to feelings, thoughts and emotions, the situations don’t flow as neatly. It’s nearly impossible for me to write under any type of rules. Well, not exactly impossible because I often work as a freelance technical writer, but it’s something that I refuse to do in a personal capacity.
What I also refuse to do is to continue spend any more of my time or energy on people that don’t reciprocate. The issue I’m having right now, and the reason I’ve been fighting this contentious battle between what to write is because I’m trying to make sure that I’m not overdramatizing any situations because I’ve been known to do just that. And I do so notoriously. I was trying to allow how I was feeling to grow into, grow up from, or grow apart from its poisonous root, to hopefully reach toward a source of light that would ultimately cause it to repair and heal itself.
I began to discover that sometimes you have to uproot a plant and either replant it or allow its source to reclaim it and use it however it will. I’m sure this sounds a bit vague and cryptic so I’ll leak some of the specifics so that everything preceding will become clearer. I usually believe what someone says until their actions prove otherwise and certain people in my biological family plain and simply don’t say what they mean. They don’t follow through with any sort of action or make any effort to be any better than they are.
Recently I found out through my eldest sister that our father was in the hospital. My sister found out through our half-sister’s Instagram post of our father lying in a hospital bed. First of all, this pissed me off because why did this have to be the way for us to find out his condition? Why didn’t he ask his daughter to contact us, his first born children? Why didn’t his daughter herself think to contact us? I mean damn, why didn’t he contact us himself? After all, he made sure she was notified. Since my sister didn’t have any desire whatsoever to speak to our father, she contacted me and I then sent him a text to see if he was ok. Immediately he calls me to brief me on his situation, cries, tells me that he needs me, and promises to keep in constant contact. This lasted about three or four days. Now, having been two weeks later, I can barely get him to call me or return my calls. I make a daily effort to call to check in with him to make sure he’s doing well, but I’m not given the common courtesy to even bother returning a call even after saying he would.
Our father is definitely not making it easy to have a relationship with him. My sister Ginette and I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in eighteen years and she decided in 2006 that we should attempt to have a relationship with him. Every step of the way I fought it. I had such strong distaste for him that I couldn’t wait to tell him I was gay hoping that he’d be completely crushed. He wasn’t. In fact, he was totally accepting so I was crushed. Yes I was being that petty. I felt entitled to at least that. Afterwards, we spent years playing a passive-aggressive tournament of emotional Olympic table tennis. We were happy, we were pissed, we were happy, we were pissed. I became annoyed, he became annoyed. I lashed out, he lashed back. I forgave him, he forgave me. It was pure and total bullshit. I decided before reuniting that I didn’t need a father because I never felt like I was missing one. Now at thirty-two years old my feelings are still the same. Biologically he’s family, but I’ll never see him as more than a relative. Relatively speaking.
I have so much more to say but really, what would be the point? I just needed to release a little of what was holding onto me so tightly so that I might continue to move about freely on this journey of mine. The tension headache that I carried into today from yesterday is now gone and it’s time for me to rest my mind.
Until next time…